The People & Real Pain

by Christopher C. Thompson

I buried my mom a couple weeks ago, and yesterday I largely avoided social media because I didn’t want to have to scroll through everybody’s selfies with their moms and pontifications on their mom and why she’s the best. I watched my mom decline from full strength to her last breath in less than a year’s time, and even though I anticipated her death, nothing on this earth can adequately prepare you for that moment when she finally falls asleep for the last time. She became seriously ill at the end of November and she came to live in our home after a brief stay in the hospital. Now, to be clear, I’m grateful that I had the privilege of caring for her in the last months of her life. All of her affairs were in order (several things had already been organized beforehand), and she remained pretty comfortable until she passed away. Nevertheless, it doesn’t eliminate the pain of losing her.

Suddenly the world looks and feels so much different. There is a newfound awareness and sensitivity to things that simply didn’t exist before. As a matter of fact, I have been deeply reflective on three simple yet profound concepts that I believe are indispensable in light of this devastating loss for our family.

People are hurting. Handle with care.

My mom passed away on a Sunday. The Sabbath after my mom passed away, I went for a walk before church on that Sabbath to pray, meditate on the scriptures, and reconnect with God. As I was walking, a passerby waved, smiled the warmest smile, and said, “Good morning.” Now this was obviously a small and insignificant exchange in the grand scheme of things, but what it said to me was this person has no idea that my heart has been broken by the loss of my mom. But this tiny little interaction still helps to ease the burden just a bit.

Oftentimes, people walk into our churches with a myriad of spiritual and emotional comorbidities. They’re dying of spiritual, emotional, and mental systems failure, but traditional church spaces are often preoccupied with last day events, the fulfillment of obscure prophecies and sometimes even interpretations of scripture that are uncomfortably close to what is clearly conspiracy theory. We must recognize that people need to know The One who holds all things together much more than they need all the information on how and why everything will fall apart at the end of time. This brings me to the next point.

Church must meet the practical needs of people.

I have the unique responsibility of pastoring the church where my entire family was baptized and joined over thirty years ago. My dear mother had served as the church clerk of this very church for over twenty five years. Not only am I and my immediate family wracking with grief, but also my entire church is grieving the loss of a stalwart member. When I arrived at church the Sabbath after she passed away (it was still an entire week before her funeral), some of the members seemed to still be in shock. Many of them had expressed to her that they couldn’t wait until she would return to church. They expected nothing short of a full recovery. They simply were not ready to lose her. In this instance, I had the unique responsibility of pastoring my family in a painful place, but also my entire church through this tremendous loss.

Here’s the reality. We’re still in the eye of the storm so to speak. It still feels surreal that she’s no longer here with us. Her name and phone number was still listed as Church Clerk on the church bulletin as of last week. It’s still very fresh. Thankfully, the sermon that was already scheduled dealt a bit with comfort and the resurrection. So that was a help. I know that it resonated with the people. Nevertheless, I’m also mindful of the ways that we might be able to come alongside the members as they grieve the loss of a dear member of the church. I got a call from the grief coordinator from the hospice care center and we’re working on hosting a grief support group at the church. What are some of the other impactful, practical ways that we might seek to address the needs of people in our churches? It’s these kinds of things that we need to make a priority.

Prioritize the things that really matter.

There is one comforting element within this entire ordeal. I resigned from a ministry post in November of 2020 because I sensed the need to be closer to my mom. At the time, she had no pressing health challenges, and still walked several miles each day for exercise. I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “You have traveled and moved far and wide for the sake of ministry, at what point do you make a similar shift for the sake of your family?” That was it. I knew what had to be done. If I hadn’t heeded that prompting, this entire ordeal would be exponentially more difficult.

Here is a word to the wise. I’m not advocating for anyone to quit their job, unless you are absolutely certain that divine providence is prompting you. What I am saying is keep first things first. The church is NOT more important than your family or your physical or mental health. Take a vacation at least once a year. Go to the gym regularly. Go to the doctor and get a physical. Go to therapy, and make sure your emotional health is in tact. One thing I know for sure is that this experience has made me realize I need to be sitting on some counselor’s couch very soon. And maybe you feel like the work is never done, and now is not a good time to take time for your needs and your family’s. Just remember, Jesus already died for the church. We don’t get bonus points in the Kingdom if you and I die for the church too.