Grieving While Leading
Every one of us must traverse the valley of the shadow of death. It’s not a matter of “if” we will, but rather “when'“ we will. Death never comes at an opportune time. However, we will always need resources to navigate toward healing and recovery.
Dr. Shaun C. Arthur serves as pastor of the Hempstead Church in Hempstead, NY. Pastor Arthur has turned his personal grief journey into ministry. We caught up with him to ask him how pastors can navigate their own grief experience.
BP: Tell us how you embarked on your journey with grief.
SA: Standing at my son’s soccer practice, I received an unusual phone call from my mom. I answered and soon my whole world would change. I heard her voice saying “Shaun I can’t wake your dad.” At that moment I was caught between hearing the shocking news of what would eventually be the passing of my father and my son's soccer skills training.
My father’s death was the second close death in a small window of time as my three-month-old nephew was buried the year before. Their deaths started the succession of losing close relatives for the next five years. In total, I lost seven close loved ones including losing my mom.
Just three years after the loss of my father, my mother’s health began to decline rapidly. After ten short months, she passed away. While ministering, I had to watch her slow decline from afar. Therefore, I flew into town to help look after her as well as spend time with her. My immediate family and I eventually took a family vacation to go see her and to help relieve my siblings.
As time progressed, in the midst of completing an evangelistic meeting, I received news that my mom’s condition was worsening. While we celebrated people receiving a new life in Christ I knew my mom’s life was slipping away. The next morning after the meeting was completed, I flew home. As I was being picked up from the airport a frantic call came in saying that she would be put on the ventilator. I made it just in time to see her conscious for the last time and to say I love you. Phone calls were made to her grandchildren as each was able to express their love for her. Sadly, the next day she passed away.
BP: How did you navigate and manage in the midst of your darkest hour?
SA: As a leader, this is where we often find ourselves dealing with personal tragedy while still ministering to others. When I lost my father, I began to see a therapist every month. As one of my friends who is a medical professional once said, “A doctor doesn’t diagnose themselves.”
When my mom passed three years later I requested a sabbatical. I joined a Grief Share group, saw my therapist, and called the Pastoral Hotline through Kettering Medical Center. These entities helped me process my losses.
BP: How long did it take you to get back to a place of normalcy?
SA: You truly never get back to what we call normal. Everything after the loss is an adjustment. You literally lead while wounded. The pain of grief lessens over time, but I am often caught off guard by the emotion of grief at an unexpected time. All it takes is a smell, a song, or a phrase, and I am suddenly overwhelmed with emotions. The reason for this is that grief is not something we get over but something we go through. Simply put, we grieve because we love. It isn’t something that goes away. I try to remember each day is a new day to live for the people that I have lost.
BP: What would you say that every pastor should do who is facing their own grief experience?
SA: Every pastor should sit with their loss and be honest about your grief. Recognize the loss and do not overlook it. Pastors can go into depression or even experience transference. This happened when I first began the process of learning about chaplaincy. I was visiting a patient who was going into cardiac arrest. I was overwhelmed by the moment as my brother passed away as a result of cardiac arrest.
Therefore, take time to process the loss. Next, take active steps to heal. Then seek professional help. As well as find ways to help others process their loss.
BP: How do you lead well while grieving?
SA: (1) Be kind to yourself.
(2) be open about your grief. Ask for patience as you process your loss and then seek out professional support. In the multitude of counsel, there is safety. Scripture reminds us that blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforted.
(3) Let the congregation know that you need time to process. If people ask, tell them specifically what they can do; give time, give food, and give space.
(4) Seek community with friends and colleagues to help process the loss.
BP: Is there anything else we should know?
SA: Remember we grieve because we loved. We are simply walking through the valley of the shadows of death and God is with you and he comforts you. While death happens every day the experience of loss is different every time.
